Felicia Jiamei Lau

This is to that few of you: (you shold know who you are)

Thanks for being there, when I'm angry or sad or moody, you are always there.

You tried to understand,
even if i was being a little rude. (or very, sometimes.)
I treasure people like you <3

Always ask what's wrong with me and caring for me,
I really needed all that. Thanks loads.

I love you.

You need to hear me out

and they say speak now.

I'm not the kind who would speak up. Everything's being planned at the back of my head, until one thing hits and BAM, my masterplan goes all the way. Yes, i dont tell anything to anyone, especially over a phone call, i think it's totally not me. Basically i DONT call people to talk to them, only people call me to talk to me. Which in some case I'll entertain them, but after some time i lose patience in talking over the phone. That's why i can NEVER be found crying on the phone with someone else. I think it's crap. If the person's really willing to listen to you, that person will meet you.

I'm in a foul mood today. Except for the hours i spent in dance. Maybe that's another way for me to escape all my problem, besides sleeping. And today, i didnt eat for the whole day. My mother keep on thinking that I'm on diet, which obviously im not. I dont want to be on diet.  my weight is perfectly normal. and then goes on to happend to see a photo of a couple kissing on facebook window, then she stared  at it. Like -.- anyway, back to my foul mood thingy. It has beeb going on since yesterday, i think? Haiya.

But still, thanks to all those to tried to cheer me up :) deeply love you all.

I use sleep to escape all problems.
I want to sleep now.

Me. Myself. I.

The title itself, sound so self-centered. But i got to admit, i am. How do i say this? Hmmm.. Let me put it this way.

There's 3 group of human I need to care about:
1) Myself.
2) Family.
3) Friends.

So, i'm too much of myself. To the extent i 忽略 the others. And yeah, i cant blame them if they float away from me, it's all my fault right? I'm too much of myself that my friends are like... Perfectly fine without me. (that's the harsh way of saying it) and family... Hmm.. They'll be... *loss of speech* yeah. Get my point. So im not being attention seeking or something, but i DO feel lonely. Like i want to be someone's BEST one. Or someone's ONLY one. Like i wanna feel important. Yeap, pretty much that. But the thing about me being self-centered is.. Making all these impossible.

I dont really know what to do. I cannot stand that fact i'm nobody's BEST, neither can i stand the fact to know that without someone being there, i cant 'survive'. Gah. I'm in some sticky situation. Example..

1) your friends keep asking you out. You have two option..
The self-centered option: No, I wanna stay at home do homework. (Reason - You don't feel belonged when you go out with them)
The not so self-centered option: Yes, i will go. (Reason - before they start complaining that i dont go out with them)

This is general. No particular incident is being pointed at. But if you choose to think otherwise, then so be it.

Death :x

I'm really very tired now. Tired of people, and school. Basically my life.

I might not be the worst, but this is definately the WORST year ever. Like school until 430 on mondays. Tuition on tuesday and wednesdays. Plus maths remedial (i hope i'll be able to graduate from the remedial soon) on wednesdays also. Then thursdays have english remedial and friday the worst. CCA.

Maybe I'll be happier if I dont have CCA. but i wanna sleep like so badly ): im like so no life.... Gahhhh. It's only february, what will happend in 7 more months to go?

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

A dream is a wish your heart makes,
When you're fast asleep,
In dreams you lose your heartaches,
Whatever you wish for, you keep.

Have faith in your dreams and someday,
Your rainbow will come smiling through,
No matter how your heart is grieving,
If you keep on believing,
The dream that you wish will come true.

A dream is a wish your heart makes,
When you’re feeling small,
Alone, In the night you whisper,
Thinking no one can hear you at all.

You wake with the morning sunlight,
To find fortune that is smiling on you,
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow,
For all you know tomorrow,
The dream that you wish will come true.

You Wake with the morning sunlight,
To find fortune that is smiling on you,
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow,
For all you know tomorrow,
The dream that you wish will come true.

When you can dream
then you can't stop
A dream is a wish you make with your heart

No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

Yes, i do have that small little girl inside of me. I love disney :) 
Sometimes, I believe in fairytales.

GAH. my internet screwed up, now I have to type everything all over again.

Okay, I might be crazy or something. I'm slowly and slowly turning into a loner, more and more. I love to be alone, don't like to hangout in large crowds. (Besides church, that is) So maybe there's something wrong with me. But anyway, today I got so motivated (by myself) to go dance by other means of transport besides MRT and LRT. Well, end up jogging to Anchorvale CC from home :) It's a good 9km (about there.) And I'm really glad I did that because my meal goal today was to perspire as much as I can. And by the time i reached the dance studio, my back was a patch of.. SWEAT. Cool down a little bit then Dion asked me to go the lake or longkang or whatever with her. And we took a few photos there :) then went to dance lesson, and yeah. Learnt 'Can't nobody' by 2NE1. It's not exactly easy. Well, i mean the steps are EASY, but it's very VERY fast. ohwell. anyway, went back home then go and eat. I must be out of my mind again. Cause I've overeaten and i end up deciding to go back home by walking, alone. 

There goes my alone time again :) I'm really loving every single moment of it. While walking home, i've really been thinking a lot. But no worries, I won't have white hair so soon :P heh. anyway, i'm thinking about people and life. thinking really deep... maybe one day i can write a 10-page long philosophy. (okay, i just crapped.) I think about people, and my relationship with them and all. A few people in particular, and I concluded this: do not go to the extent that i'll hate that person. This is to be said to you, or you guys. I think a lot about people.. I always sub-consciously look at people. I love to see how people behave, how they talk, how they dress and all. I sound like a stalker of some sort, but no. This habit is natural. I also think about growing up and becoming a teacher and loads others. I love to be in deep thoughts, when I'm alone.

There's a whole new life ahead. Things that I can change, and those that I want, I will.

The future.

Well, today in churh is pretty much everyone was talking about this whole Suntec thing. And yes, of course i'm very excited for this thing too :) it's a historical moment for City Harvest Church! I'm glad that we're able to move to a place that is more centralized and more convenient for everyone. But of course, for the first two weeks of march, we are gonna move to JW just for the time being. And i always believe that for every door that's being closed, a new one would be opened for you. Like no matter what you do, there's always opportunities and chances for everything under the sun.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Well, this has really been a very encouraging verse, not only for me. But pretty much cause we use this verse quite often in school also. Yeah. God has plans for me, sometimes, I'm just wondering what it is. And this blog post came upon me while I was showering just now cause I was somehow in deep thoughts. (Yes, im that random) that's why i'm typing this whole post using my iphone's Safari. I'm still thinking about people, the way people behave and yes.. I sometimes feel that people should learn to grow up someday. I'm sometimes worrying for myself, what i've done usually indirectly lead to how people treat me. But sometimes, i think 'what EXACTLY have i done?'

I'm doing pretty much the same as people, studying, tweeting, facebooking, msn, then girls talk about guys, and having crushes and stuff. But, somehow the effects (or response) i get from people are quite different. But i believe, my life is my own, nobody can actually have the rights to choose the people I want to listen to/follow/hang out with. And as for me, i really do take a SUPER careful decision when making friends. Probably to all my mother's nagging and stuff :/ but that's another story. I'm just thinking like, it's not my choice of friends that is the problem. So is it me? :O my friends are all nice people, at least most of them are. Except a handfull that always make fun of me, but still, i love them :) i dont exactly hate people, i just hate the things that they do. It's time for me to change, that's what i think.

I will not give up. If God didnt give up on me, who am i to give up on myself? If God has given up on me, i won't be alive now. i wont be attending church and all. But still, i believe all these jeering, all their actions that make me irritated, it's part of God's plan to make me have a better future. Sometimes, i cannot differentciate when i've taken the wrong path and when does God purposely put me through a harder time. That's pretty much what I'm still confused about. But ohwell, it's always no harm trying out something new. My life is my own, I live it the way i want it. As long as im still in control, i'm fine.

But i do understand 旁观者清，近墨者黑 the fact. And i totally agree with this. Probably i cannot see the trouble im getting into because im already in the situation, and the people around me can see it clearer. This is alsp the fact sometimes, i dont know to listen to my friends or myself. Like, in some point, my friends sees stuff clearer, but i know myself better than my friends. I dont know? This is another tough one.

Life goes on, i'll see how it goes.